Ok, so I look a retch after the depressing situation of last night and the fact that my families' potential demise is a possible reality as soon as today. I'm not one of those girls that look all sweet, helpless and slightly attractive in their saddened state. You know, the ones that have mascara conveniently smudged to accentuate their glistening eyes. No, my face turns red, my eyes puff up and go smaller then they already are, my forehead wrinkles and I look ten years older - not a pretty sight.
I was up till 2 am, scribble horrible doodles on the computer - ones that really should not be shown, but they destructed me and I was able to sleep after. But today, its difficult to know what to do. I got early to spend time with my small, broken family - we are there for each other, but I've noticed no one touches. We all remain at least a half a meter apart at all times and no one seems to be able to break through this. Perhaps if one of us did, it would mean that we would need to comfort each other and that would be an admittance of our current situation, which we all know is there but do not want to recognise our despair- not that openly anyway.
'Then let's be rid of it,' Sam's words form LotR. Sometimes, I do wish for it to be over, as this malicious shadow that hangs over us, every moment of our lives, marring every good thought and hope for the future, gnaws at one's soul and makes life less then what it could be. I love gardening, to create a home, to make a place to be lived in. But how can I plant trees, hang paintings, fix things, change things, live - when I know it can be taken form me at any moment? I don't even weed the garden anymore or trim the hedges, or arrange the flower pots, or plan for anything more, as it just has no pleasure as it did before.
If we lose our home, I think I will miss it more then I yet know.
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